Entering into the Nothingness

“I entered into unknowing, yet when I saw myself there, without knowing where I was, I understood great things; I will not say what I felt for I remained in the unknowing transcending all knowledge.”
These words of St. John of the Cross describe how I broke on God and the consequences it has for me. It was the most far-reaching boundary experience I encountered because I was confronted by the fundamental limits of my own human reality.

When I was in that “nothingness”, I no longer understood what was happening. I perceived God had permanently withdrawn and became unreachable. I no longer knew what and how it is to love and no longer felt able to meet Him. My consciousness was totally empty for it no longer knew what it could possibly focus which resulted to intense disorientation, boredom, loneliness and desolation.

However, this experience of entering into the nothingness brought me to God’s great manifestation of Himself to me as unbounded and unconditional love. He allowed this experience to happen in order for Him to enter into my being without that drive to be understood and comprehended. I saw myself unable to fathom the many effects of purification and dying to self.

My journey in the novitiate can be described in a round-the-clock setting. I came to Davao with a gloomy atmosphere, approaching the start of the night time, at five o’clock in the afternoon. There were anxieties, fear of uncertainties, confusions and many other negative feelings and perceptions of my vocation to the religious life. They were all bothering my heart and my mind. But still, I gave it a try to be part of the Discalced Carmelite’s one-year novitiate formation.

And, as the formation continues to progress in its normal course, the clock also continue to rotate in its normal flow. Two months have passed; I reached the nine o’clock time, experiencing the real darkness of the night, where neither moon nor stars brightens the silence and serenity of the sky. Instead, rains started to pour bringing coldness and loneliness in the atmosphere. As the rains pour out and fell on the ground, I felt the growing intensity of fear of uncertainties, anxieties, confusions, worries and other concerns. Past experiences were coming back – successes and failures, joyful and sad memories, relationships and job securities.

I wanted to go out and experience the coldness and the roughness of the raindrops. I wanted to shout and express the feelings which preoccupies my heart, the wild imaginations which linger in my mind. I can no longer feel the presence of God! I just wanted to pour out whatever feelings and imaginations I had and let them go with the raindrops soaking into the dry land.

Until I reached midnight, the midnight of my struggles. I was so tired then! My body was fully exhausted. Physical strength had left me! I can’t stand nor can I even walk and go back to where I was before. My heart and my mind were numb, they cannot feel nor think. Oh, what a distressing experience! I wanted to feel but I can’t. I wanted to think and imagine, but I can’t!

Consciousness had left me. I fall on the ground and slept without my inner conviction to rest. I was put to rest by ‘someone’ I can’t recognize. It’s still raining and the mud gently covered my wet body. Then, I remember no more.

At five o’clock in the morning, I awoke. My eyes started to open, but I can’t open them wholly because of the brightness of a light focusing on me.

I heard the birds chirping.

I saw the flowers starting to bloom and the grass enjoying the gentleness of the dew brought by the rain.

I now felt the warmness of the atmosphere. And the most significant feeling I felt was “peace of mind and heart” – no anxieties, no worries and concerns, no fears. Then, I recognized the tranquility of my heart. I felt its normal beating.

I whispered to myself “Thank you, Lord!”

Oh, what an experience!

I can’t explain why and how it happened, I only took it as a grace that needs no further explanations and does not need to be understood.


(From My Spiritual Journal, 17 September 2005)